When I was little I noticed everything. Curiosity always kicks in when I saw something new. Trying to fit that’s not suitable for me. And I noticed the same thing with my kids. Oh yes! just like a lot of me. The only difference is, I’m the one whose very afraid if they got hurt out of their curiosity. And this Lenten season, why not we check ourselves for the things that were very stressed about. Why not letting go of the stuff that were afraid of. We can’t stop things. We never fail, we just learn different ways of achieving our goal.
Goal. What’s your main goal?Is it financial freedom? Family? friends? Championship? Love life? Freedom?
You should choose what’s really important. You can’t have all of them at the same time. You need to prioritize. You should plan carefully. Let go of the unneeded baggage. Like resentment and grudges.
Resentment. Well, I’ve known that word so well. I’m an emotional person. I noticed everything and felt it. Feel it. I’m questioning why on earth am I feeling abandoned by the family that my bloodline belongs. Yeah! growing up, we always feel neglected, I always feel neglected. I can’t feel an ounce of care from them. We grow unattached to the so called family that this society defines. My mother always reminds me that I need to be an achiever to be good enough. And I did. I did it with flying colors. That’s the only way I know. I detached myself. And make an armoured for my defense. Only to realized that I’m bleeding alone. No one gets in and no way to get out.
I made this brilliant, strong, independent woman. I constructed myself into someone whose far different from that wounded, neglected, afraid little girl. Yes! I’m proud of that achievement. When everyone is busy playing around, I’m busy creating my own identity. When I heard unwanted, hurtful words. I automatically distance myself and become deaf from the outside world. Hoping that one day, that would changed. When they view me as a person who doesn’t care about anything, I let them believe that. I don’t have the energy for such things. My mindset is, I’m responsible for my own future. Their bitterness won’t affect mine. I will succeed. As I always does. Maybe not that instant but it will. I’m a hopeful and stubborn for my own good.
And actually I did. It did happen. I’m happy for what I have. But when you created that armour for too long. When your past knocks again, its so hard to open up. Like so hard. I can’t connect and give that affection that they expected from me. When growing up I haven’t feel it from them.
Looking back,the pictures were all crisp and perfect. Like it was. I am there and they were in a different shot. Not in the same picture. Not even once.
If you asked me, if I’ve move on?
I did. I’m far from that cave and I’m not prisoner of the past. Only a survivor of it.
The world is not perfect but we can create our own picture perfect.